December 8, 2018

Advent Silent Retreat at University of Victoria Multi-faith Center

(this is what I heard)
Lectio Divina  Reading: Mary’s visit from the Angel
Asked to do what never done before, in favour with God
But___, How can that be?  I’m ____
Nothing is impossible with God
Here I am Lord - Let it be done to me according to your design

(this is what I wrote in the quiet time)
Here, I am being called to something else, something I’ve never done before.  
I said that when I knew I wouldn’t be staying in my job at the University, throughout November, December, January, February, and March.  Then, I got bogged down in the uncertainties when Spring came and I knew we might be moving to Victoria. How crazy is that— to have that awareness when you didn’t know where we would be, but then to lose that sense when things became clearer for Mitch’s new job possibility.  

We’d taken a trip to St. Louis and I was disoriented, I did’t know what to do with myself.  The semester had just ended.  I went through both the pain and great hope of graduation season and was thankful for Tom Long’s Baccalaureate speech.  I decided to do what I knew was right, even at the last minute, to have the insight and courage to go to graduation when I said I would not go.  I was in that quiet place but my heart was not quiet.

Mitch and I revisited Victoria in anticipation of our move that led to the agony of planning our physical move— the brace with which I entered and stayed until it was finished.  Giving things away and I’m still living with the uncertainty of those decisions, still second guessing and not letting go.  I’m still somewhat unwilling or unable to claim this place as our own, my own, my dwelling place for this time.  The trips to family have actually made the separation of things and place even more acute—the unsettledness.  Even with new sure friendships and all those here who have evidenced their care.  I don’t know if I’ve given in, let my guard down so to speak, keeping myself apart, unconnected and unsure.

And now I come to this day, to the few things I have done.  I come to this day of connection with other contemplatives.  How quickly I was welcomed by giving me responsibilities to set up the space, to offer food, and even to welcome others when I was the new one.  To know that I do have gifts to offer.  I thought I would go to the spiritual eldering thing but that hasn’t actually materialized, the times and distance did not work out.  So is this contemplative space where I might find a place to be?  The chimes are calling us back to the group— I’ll keep listening.

my post in January 2019 expanding this notebook entry: https://lindacoggin.com/2019/01/01/advent-listening-for-a-new-year/